I recently have had time to reflect upon myself and my past. Specifically I've thought a lot about my body. I've never been comfortable with myself, with how I look, and especially how I feel. This weekend, I decided to do something about it by signing up for a gym, cutting down on my food intake, and doing a bit of a mental make over. I realize a lot of my issue is psychological. I know I'm not ugly, and I know that I'm not fat. There are plenty of people who would probably kill to have my body, and honestly it is those people who have inspired me to do this.
One of my favorite shows is Too Fat For 15 on the style network. It is a show about overweight kids who go to, what we could call, a fat camp. My favorite camper there is a girl named Tanisha (or at least I think that is her name). She came to the camp the fattest the camp has ever seen. What is so amazing about her is not the weight loss that happens (so far on the show she's lost more than 100 pounds, down from about 515) but rather her attitude about transforming her life for the better. She is thrilled about any progress and tries anything she can, especially if she wasn't able to do it before. Honestly, she reminds me of myself, but not for her attitude.
When I look in the mirror, I feel as fat as Tanisha is. I believe it's what is called body dysmorphia. I see myself as different than i am and am constantly obsessed with how I look. It really is awful. It would be great to go by a mirror and not feel like I have to lift up my shirt to check just how much fatter that sandwich made me or if that ab exercise suddenly transformed my entire stomach. It never makes me fatter right away, and those instant results never happen, but I always look.
Part of this revert push to reflect back on my weight and body image issues is not just me wanting to face the problem, but rather me noticing the impact is has on my involvement in relationships. Andy, my bf of 1 year and 2 months, recently had mono and lost about 15 pounds. He looks great, and he's thin (not that he didn't look great before, cause he did!), and I would resent him for that. I would try to make him eat more food so I feel better about eating more. I would wish that I would be sick so that I could lose a ton of weight, a cheap way out of doing actual hard work. Needless to say, this whole thing isn't healthy, and it's time for a change.
So here it is! Every Sunday I will weigh myself, hopefully get to the gym to get a body fat count, and I'll let you know them both, honestly. Further, I'll reflect on one part of my weight issues so that I can not only work them out with myself, but also with you, the reader. I'd like to first thank you for reading this! I appreciate it, you keep me accountable. Second, I'd appreciate your feedback. If you've gone through a body transformation journey or are a fitness junkey or anything really, I'd like to know what you think. This won't be easy for me, so any help will be great.
My goals are this: be comfortable with my body and myself. I don't care so much about my weight, I care about what it's made of. By doing this blog, i hope to further transform my mentality about my body. This will be the first time I talk about most of these issues, at least as openly and honestly to a wider audience.
This morning I weighed myself and appropriately, clocked out at the heaviest I've ever been. I also signed up for a gym today and got my fat measured. Again, I'll update you every Sunday on both of them. So here it goes!
Weight- 190
Fat %- 15.9%
